Sometimes when I’m alone

Sometimes when I’m alone and can’t sleep at night, I get naked, rub vaseline all over my body, then roll around on the kitchen floor and pretend that I am a slug.

Sometimes when I’m just sitting at home bored I like to get naked, cover my whole body with Vaseline, and roll around on the kitchen floor like I’m a slug. I will usually go ‘slugging’ for about 45 minutes to an hour, depending on which day of the week it is. On weekends I’ll usually slug it for an extra 30 minutes. After I’m done making my rounds around the island and refrigerator I’ll stop and toss some bread crumbs on the floor for me to eat. I’ll also pour a little beer over in the corner for me to slide to and drink. All mollusks love beer (the yeast in it), and so do I. After that I’ll rein-act the the death cycle of a slug, by covering my self with white rice and laying out on the patio. Birds will then come pick at me sometimes if I hold still enough. One time I got attacked by ants. My mom used to say I should be more careful and maybe wear a helmet and knee/elbow pads, but I don’t want to because that’ll make me look like a dork. I’d really like to get my girlfriend involved in this ritual but I’m not sure how to go about telling her. I know it’s not for everyone and probably only 10% of people actually do this, but it would mean a great deal for me if she could join in on my hobby with me.